Day 21: Have a Teaser

She clung to her legs and squeezed her eyelids together.  Come on, she said to herself.  Come on, if I can just get back there one more time, I know I can figure it out.  She imagined the field.  She could almost taste the sweet air that had once filled her lungs.  A bird flapped its wings.  She opened her eyes and stared at the graffiti covered door in front of her.

Jess swung her leg out, kicking the toilet paper dispenser.  The force of it reverberated in the walls and sent a shock wave through her leg.  Her nose scrunched as the repugnant smell from the toilets reached her nostrils and nestled there.

Her head spun, the ground fell away from her feet.  She floated on nothing, and the turning of her stomach wouldn’t stop.  Jess hopped down from the toilet and threw the lid open, just in time to retch her stomach bile into the stained toilet.  It only made her gag more, seeing that spill out from inside her.  

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Though a part of me is disappointed, I am grateful my manuscript is no longer "hanging in the balance."  I received a solid "No," which means I have more places to submit it to!  I have never received a rejection, other than for short stories, because I've never submitted.  The fact that I had the strength to submit, finally, only gives me more hope for myself as a writer.

And besides, there were only 30 (35?) winners out of 300 - and there are some brilliant, unpublished authors out there.  RUHE may not be the strongest piece of work by me, but it is the first finished piece.  It is coherent, and it does have a decently strong female lead, but it is more of the typical coming of age.  

But I'm very excited for Soul Therapy (again, I still need a new title) because it is less typical, and my main character suffers from huge anxiety - see excerpt above.

I think she touches on something that a lot of people overlook.  Panic disorder is a real thing, something that many people struggle with, myself included.  Granted, I'm not nearly as bad as Jessica is, but I find it hard to control my own emotions.  A surge of fear sweeps over your every cell, the hairs on the back of your neck stretch upwards and you can't explain it, you simply are worried, panicking, over everything.  You think, this is it, this is the end of the world, the end of my life.  Your breath outruns you and your body starts to act like your are drowning on air.

It's heavy, it's frustrating.  And a lot of people don't discuss it.  Hell, a lot of people think that it is "normal" to have some anxiety.  There is a difference between a stressful situation versus being unable to breathe, move, or function because you are shaking so much.

If I had known panic attacks existed when I was younger, I wouldn't have assumed that it was "normal."  I would have realized that there was something different about the way I see the world.  And with that knowledge, I might have handled a lot of things in my teenage years in a very different manner.  Though, I must say, my curling up into a ball underneath the covers with my teeth chattering because I was freezing in 100 degree weather certainly makes for a good character.  Jess is the pinnacle of that:  Someone who is afraid of disappointing anyone with massive anxiety attached.

And I love her, probably a little bit too much, because she is so close to home.  RUHE was the opposite.  I had no knowledge of that girl's life, I had never been in her shoes - I still think her story is interesting, but I didn't have such a connection with her.  Jess is different.  We're kindred, and because of that, I think Soul Therapy will be my stronger piece, and possibly, the first piece I get published.

Shameless Plug

I don't normally promote my husband on my blogs - mostly because he makes music, not writing.

However, I write to a lot of his music.  It tends to put me in the right frame of mind to write, which is partially why I fell in love with his brain.

I'm so proud of him because last night his music aired on Bones.  That's right, Bones.  This is the second biggest thing for us - his first was his band landing a spot on True Blood - but this was his own band, his own project, and his completely independent song.  It was played during the action/gun testing sequence and it was pretty awesome.  We were both so happy seeing it last night, so I just have to put it out there for any Bones fans!

Slighter - "No Control"
That's a teaser music video of the song, and you can find link to his other work through there!  I'm so happy for him.

My Internal NaNo Dialogue

Anyone that is interested in seeing the method behind the madness.  This is literally what I think about while I'm writing, specifically my NaNo project (for which I did go off of an old story, but I completely revamped, rearranged, and changed the whole thing).

Hey - what are you doing here?  I didn't recall giving your character more than two lines originally.  What are you doing in the shop?  Now my main character has to interact with you?  Is it going to be embarrassment or further proof that my MC isn't, in fact, crazy?  Regardless, you are hindering my whole plot by being here, but fine, I'll go with it.  Yay conversations.  Are you don't yet?  Awkwardly shuffle out the door - that's better!  Main plot line, GO!

Okay, so this is actually coming together, it's actually making sense - but that conversation between the two of them seemed a little too heartfelt.  Then again, who am I to say that?  They've been dating in high school puppy love for about a year and a half - so naturally, yes, they are going to be a little heartfelt, right?  Hopefully?  But now what?  They had this awesome conversation that reconnected them, but they aren't supposed to be reconnecting!  If anything, he's supposed to be turning villainous and vapid.  Then again, his concern could grow more now, making him slightly more... protective?  Overbearing protectiveness to the point of driving my MC crazy is now a GO!  Success, gold star, now let's wrap this up so I can get some coffee/tea/wine.

I guess it is good that some things happen that are very unplanned.  It makes for more realistic situations, I think, and keeps me on my toes.  When I feel like things are getting too easy for my MC, something else comes in to make things a little.. different.  Even if they don't change dramatically, it is the little things that make a story come to life.

Day 12 Excerpt

I've been really lame lately and haven't been keeping up with my excerpts like planned.  However, I'm proud to announce that I passed 30k words today, which means my novel is about half way done.  I'm actually insanely proud of what I've been working on.  There was a scene that I wrote today that actually made me cry while I was writing it.  And no, I cannot give you that excerpt because it is too crucial to a turning point in the novel.

However, I can write another conversation that my MC has with Luke.  I won't describe exactly where they are - I'll leave that up to you to decide (and leave that up to you to someday by my finished novel and figure it out for yourself).

---------------

They sat in silence for a moment. "Hey, I have a question for you."

"Shoot," Luke said.

"Do you remember this? When you wake up? I know that my dreams are always fuzzy, but my nightmares are so real."

Luke laughed, "I thought you said I wasn't real."

Jess shrugged, "Even if you aren't, I figured it might be an interesting story."

"No, I don't remember as much as I wish I did. Though, when I came back here, everything was crystal clear. Even before you showed up, I could remember everything, down to the blush that goes across your face when you got angry with me the other day. I mean, it happened again today, so it's not that hard to remember." A twisted smile grew across Luke's face.

Suddenly, Jess felt a pang of guilt from holding Luke’s hand. Even if he wasn’t real, the act felt too real. She let her hand slide from his and ruffled her hair, hoping that he wouldn’t take note. She let out a long breath. “I don’t know how much longer I’ll have.”

Day Six Teaser

Day Six NaNoWriMo:  So far so good.  I'm sitting pretty at 18,363 words, but that could change with the weekdays coming up.  It's a lot harder for me to find time to write when during the week.

Here's a short excerpt from my novel.  I've always wanted to use the first line in this part, I just never thought of a way to fit it in... until now.

“He’s your antagonist,” Henrietta said matter-of-factly.

“This isn’t some stupid movie, this is my life.”

Henrietta shook her head, “No, I meant. He is going to be the catalyst for some change in your life. He has to be, otherwise you two wouldn’t make a connection like that.”

“He’s just some guy in my dream, that’s all.” Jess refused to believe anything more. She couldn’t. That would be a complete test of her faith, a complete reversal of everything she had once believed. It was all too much. Though, it had been nice being able to talk to someone her own age about her anxiety. Someone that could listen without the judgment of God weighing on her shoulders.

“If you are so sure of that, child, why did you come all the way here to ask me about him?” Henrietta peered over her register. She plucked out another box of tea. “Do you still want it?”

Jess sighed. Of course she did, what other choice did she have?