Brenda Drake holds a lot of awesome blogfest contests. This one is the first 150 words of your manuscript and a two sentence pitch in attempts to catch the interest of agent Ammi-Joan Paquette. You can find the blogfest contest rules here.Any critiques and comments would be helpful, as I want this to read really well by the 17th :) I know the pitch needs a lot of cleaning! Give me your thoughts! I look forward to seeing everyone's entries!
Title: Ruhe
Genre: YA Contemporary
Word Count: 50,000
Pitch:
After Sophie’s vicious gossip ruins her high school
friendships, she takes a vow of silence. But when a college relationship take a dangerous
turn, Sophie needs to use the same voice that once destroyed her.
First 150 Words:
My
father dropped the last bag with a huff and looked over at the long winding
sidewalk towards the main dormitory on campus. "Are you sure you don't want us to come
in with you?"
I
shook my head.
My
mother arched an eyebrow. She looked at
the measly two bags I had packed.
"We could come back with more of your stuff, you know. It's not a far drive."
I
shook my head. I didn't want anything
else. Everything that was left at
home was there for a reason. The old
letter jacket from Ched, the worn out mini-skirt that had been to
one too many parties... everything was a reminder of who I used to be. This was a fresh start, or it was supposed to
be. I didn't know how much of a fresh
start I could get at a state school.
I love the fact that the MC took a vow of silence. To tighten up your pitch, I'd just get rid of some of the things in the middle. Make it something like, "After Sophie's vicious gossip ruins her friendships, she takes a vow of silence. But when [the most important thing that happens at college], she'll have to remember how to use the same voice that once destroyed her."
ReplyDeleteThe excerpt sounds great! Good luck.
Thank you for the feedback, Francesca! I just updated it accordingly :) Very good ideas. I still don't like how "vague" it is, but I guess that's the point of a pitch ^_^
DeleteI like your pitch. I'm curious as to how your MC expects to pass without speaking. Perhaps shorten down the 'college...relationships' phrases. It's a bit clunky. It slows down your otherwise quick and interesting pitch.
ReplyDeleteTried to fix it up a little bit. I get what you are saying.
DeleteStarting to think that "disastrous and dangerous" are also clunky. Thoughts? Should I just keep one or the other?
I remember your entry from Brenda Drakes other contest because the voice was so fantastic. Reading your pitch really has me interested now. Gossip causing so much drama and a vow of silence leaves you wanting to know what the heck happened!
ReplyDeleteHeh! I really love the intro to this piece, but it doesn't make much sense without the pitch. Without the pitch, you find out in the first 500 words that she doesn't speak - but that doesn't help me for 150-350 word contests!!
DeleteI love your idea! What high schooler couldn't relate to gossip? I would keep reading :) Watch out for 'that', started popping out at me, possibly take one or two out. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteEdited slightly, one of them was completely unnecessary ;) Good catch!
DeleteAnd I changed the worn out skirt that had been to "worn out mini-skirt"
Problem is, I'm now at 147 words, hah! But I'd rather be under than over.
I love your idea. I feel like teenagers can really relate. The pitch feels a bit melodramatic to me, but that probably will appeal to your audience. It might be that College Relationships is plural, is one relationship going to turn dangerous or will they all?
ReplyDeletehmm... Good point. It's exactly 35 words right now, but I think I just figured out how to "rework" it without adding any more words. And no, it isn't all her relationships, though all of her relationships are formed based on the fact that she doesn't speak (so it does effect all of them, but only one of them turns... dangerous).
DeleteI had disastrous in there before, but ... -_- pitches are so hard.
And thanks ^_^
DeleteI love the feedback :) It does help me a lot!! I just edited it ;)
Your pitch is fine—it doesn't hook me because it totally isn't the genre I'm interested in, but that's personal preference and nothing more. =) As for your excerpt, I feel like the first sentence is weighed down with prepositions. It feels out of breath—maybe just "My father dropped the last bag with a huff." before the dialogue, and include the rest afterward, and with less prepositions.
ReplyDelete"My mother arched her eyebrow."—Sounds like she only has one/has a unibrow. Maybe 'an eyebrow'?
"Everything that had been left at home was there for a reason."—'that had been' slows things down. "Everything at home was there for a reason." or "Everything left at home was there for a reason."
Otherwise, this is a pretty strong start. Good job, and good luck! =)
Tried to "tidy up" a few sentences, including the first one. Though I still like the way it reads. I might play with that more later :) Thanks for the feedback!
DeleteReally interesting premise! I'm excessively curious how a vow of silence will work in a novel! Is a lot of it interior monologue? The excerpt is good also.
ReplyDeleteA concern I have is, how old is your MC? If she's going to college, I wonder if this doesn't fall under the New Adult category instead of YA? And I'd just call it YA Contemporary--calling it fiction is redundant and unnecessary to point out. :)
Good writing, though, I liked it. Good luck!!
While I see what you mean, I'm aiming more towards YA readers that are excited about college. Having been through my fair share of trials and tribulations at school (while I was not mute), I'm trying to empower freshman to not just "go with the flow" and actually take control of their freshman year (something I wish I HAD done).
DeleteSo, it's not really supposed to be for people that are already in college, or already experiencing this. And she's 18, but she refused to grow up in high school ;) She's a bit of a late bloomer, experiencing a lot of the world for the first time.